im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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