great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
ok first of all what the fuck
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
