Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
