My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
