I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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