STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
