i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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