her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
