i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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