grandma shit on top of the toilet
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
