last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sober January is a disaster.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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