DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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