Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
