I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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