I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
