I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
