Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
