When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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