I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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