that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He? As in you personified your dick?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
