he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
