if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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