when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
