got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
