I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
