Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
