i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
