did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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