Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
