Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
