I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
