do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
