He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
