the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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