Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
