he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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