her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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