i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
