The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Michael Bay diarrhea
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
