The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
