I think my fart just growled at me.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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