I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
