the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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