She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
