1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
