In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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