Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
