he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
