I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
