Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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