If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
