sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
