That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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