I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
